Kids Are Weird
No kidding, kids are absolutely weird. Or, put it this way, they’re not of this Earth.
If you’ve had one or a bunch, or do time with other people’s offspring, then you’ll know. It’s true. Kids can go from being normal and predictably childlike. Then say or do the most bizarre, gobsmacking stuff.
I mean, try eating with a table of kids. Judging by the table manners of many you’d think, surely, they must have been raised by wolves.
Eating with their mouth wide open, you can’t hide from the sight of sticky stalactites and stalagmites of soggy gloop. As they shovel and gulp through their food.
Or, how they pull at each other’s hair to get a reaction. Then, poke and sharply prod their fat little fingers into those kids.
Just to see what happens.
Having gulped and belched their way through lunch, these little darlings proceed to make weird noises. Again, just because they can. Then leap out of their seat and grab a ball, with the intention of bouncing it round the house.
As you do.
They don’t take notice of the social convention that you shouldn’t throw balls indoors, lest it smash some precious vase or shatter fragile glass. Why should they? They’re here for a good time and a long time.
Let the future take care of itself!
If the TV can be on at the same time as someone else’s conversation, fantastic.
Then they can grab an iPad and simultaneously jab away at a game.
Complete with uncanny sound effects.
That keeps them too busy to help with the dishes (which you have to admit is very clever). And it ensures they are happily occupied for at least a few minutes.
Then, comes the carping and moaning. “I’m bored.”
Of course you are.
That’s because you’re not lashed to the kitchen sink, cleaning dishes, and tidying up. Poor thing.
Around now, you naturally start feeling a headache coming on. So you take two aspirin and keep away from children. Just like the packet says.
At least, you try.
But kids won’t swallow that. It’s up to you, as the unwittingly responsible adult to think of fun things for the them to do.
Play a game. Take them somewhere for entertainment. And buy them stuff. They enjoy that too.
Well that’s what they want you to do.
In that sense, kids are like currency leeches. Ready to suck your budget dry. With not a care for the consequences.
After all, you’re paying.
Why should they have to do the heavy lifting on foolish stuff like costs? That’s what exhausted parents are for. C’mon!
Just keep it coming.
And while kids are totally logical in their reasoning (“I was squatting in the store looking at stuff on the bottom shelf, and my 2-year-old yelled, “Mommy, are you making poop?!”), the way they take everything so literally… is breathtaking.
“Help I can’t breathe! I’m dying. Cough! Cough! I need the kiss of life. Hurry…”
Yep, that’s a kid’s eye view of the word “breathtaking.” So be careful. Whatever you do say will be taken literally as evidence that you must be nuts. After all, who says stuff like that?
Unless you’re trying to be funny.
But if you can’t, kids make up stuff to keep themselves entertained. That’s why Henry Fielding said, “When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.”
They’re like extraterrestrial gremlins. Cute and all, but dangerous at every stage. And that’s the trouble with kids. They’re not returnable. Mind you, given how fast they grow, that could be physically traumatic.
Then again with a bit of softening…
WC Fields once said, “Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.” But then, he was no mother.
Still, he worked out that you never can tell what kids will do. They’re unpredictable. Other than happily sharing their diseases with you. Or celebrating the latest secret by blabbing about it to anyone they meet. They can do anything.
That’s a bit of a worry.
Kinda like pets. Beneath that benignly cute doggie exterior lies a wild canine. Ready to bare it’s fangs and take a few needed chomps out of your leg.
And kids are like that too.
One moment cute, cuddly, giggly things. Next minute, they’re screaming, with their head spinning, and projectile vomiting all over the carpet.
Surely kids, especially other people’s, are the best contraceptive of all. We don’t need this alien invasion. Starting off cute as pie. Then morphing into awkwardly demanding adult humans. These creatures have got us where they want us!
And thanks to the incredibly cunning cuteness of these little kiddies, we’re trapped.