Airline’s Shocking Pee Ordeal
“What do you mean I have to pee in a bag?” That was the question offered to a Nth American flight steward on a recent trip to Hawaii.
Thanks to a diaper (nappy) being shoved into one of the plane’s toilets by a thoughtless passenger/toilet terrorist, the whole plane’s lavatories backed up.
Then started overflowing.
Passengers were told they had a special menu choice for the flight. Either pee in a bottle. Or, give a plastic bag a go.
Apparently, this limited offer went down gender lines. So it really wasn’t much of a choice for female passengers. And it was unclear where they could go to do a whizz in private (as using the only open WC meant sloshing through sewage).
No details were given to determine if anyone thought of using plastic bags over their shoes.
Nor was it clear where passengers put their filled bags and bottles. One passenger told reporters he thought they had to hang on to them. Then dispose after disembarking.
We can only speculate how they went through customs and security. “Anything to declare?”
“Err, yeah. Take this, will you? And that one, and this. Oops! Sorry! The bag split.”
Full marks to the airline for finding yet more uses for plastic bags. In the spirit of recycling we wonder if these bags were used before. Or, whether they were fresh for the passengers’ convenience.
And at this stage, nobody knows what was going on in the cockpit on this flight. “Okay, Hank. I’ve drunk that whole bottle for you. Now you can go. Oh, and don’t worry, I’ll keep my eyes shut… Just don’t’ take too long. We’re about to land.”
And what about the elephant in the cabin? Such stopgap measures might be fine for number ones. But what about number two’s? You know, when passengers and crew need to do “biggies” (or, “grunties” as it’s referred to in Royal circles).
So much for the advice to “sit back and relax.”
With the conveniences backing up things quickly got out of hand. And according to one business class traveller, the cabin stewards had to stop three passengers from squatting in the aisles.
“People gotta go when they gotta go,” she added. Signs of yet another inconvenient truth.
Thankfully, since this nightmare Hawaiian flight (which some people are calling the flying pee-pee catastrophe), aviation experts are seriously exploring the reintroduction of long drop toilets. To prevent the problem of backflow.
According to Bob Low, a US Aviation Expert (who we can report did not want to be named for commercial reasons), there are some engineering issues still to be ironed out. “For starters, releasing toilet waste from 30,000 feet poses a huge suction risk. Way back when, low altitudes posed no problems. But now, with high altitude travel, any opening of the aircrafts fuselage could mean the passenger using the toilet could literally get sucked down the bowl.
That kind of force would be the Holy Grail for Dyson. As this kind of pressure really would guarantee no loss of suction.
So, we will need to have one or two barriers to block the waste release, allowing passengers to finish their business before the outer hole opens. And to make it safer, a third baffle could stop any risk of on-board bathroom depressurisation.”
While passengers managed to fill bags and bottles on this flight, long drops could solve the problem. And eliminate the need for receptacle repurposing for good.
Given there was only one lavatory open on the fully subscribed flight, and it too was overflowing, it was definitely a flight to remember.
As passengers kept vomiting at the smell of raw sewage flooding over the floor, bags and bottles must have seemed like a good idea. If your aim was good. No mention was made of how men were expected to handle bottles for anything beyond peeing. As this would require all the skill of craftsmen painstakingly inserting model ships inside narrow-necked bottles.
Nothing less than a work of true precision.
Thankfully, the plane landed safely. And since then, the airline has reached out to the passengers (after reminding them to wash their hands first).
The offer? A free flight on the first long-drop lavatory planes currently in production.
All in all, these hapless passengers have done the travelling public a great favour. But people living underneath major flight paths will soon have a lot more reason to run for cover.