Yiddish Police Discover Ancient Illegal Brewery

Yiddish Police Discover Ancient Illegal Brewery

It might not be crime of the century but it could be the oldest cold case in history.

According to Inspector David Schlemiel from the Israeli Drug & Alcohol Crimes Division in Tel-Aviv, the discovery of an unlicensed 13,000-year-old brewery is big news in Israel.

“Given this bunch didn’t pay any liquor licensing fees over the past 13,000 years, we’re looking at a possible fine of up to 16.8 billion Shekels [US $180 billion]. That’s a lot of Shekels! So we’re treating it seriously. Of course production halted around 60 years in. So the descendants of the illegal operators could argue they’re only liable for 60 years worth of gelt and take a chance.”

Given this bunch didn’t pay any liquor licensing fees over the past 13,000 years, we’re looking at a possible fine of up to 16.8 billion Shekels [US $180 billion]. That’s a lot of Shekels!

And while he concedes the unlicensed brewers are ancient history, they are keen to detain their descendants. Because, as Schlemiel says, “The D&A Crimes Division never forgets.”

But it’s unlikely this recent find will bring any of them to justice as Schlemiel and his team have yet to identify who the owners of this illegal brewery were. Plus, the Millennia have not been kind to the crime scene. With no evidence of kegs, bottles, or even coasters at the scene it doesn’t look good.

Despite this, police have cordoned off the area just outside the Brewaria Desert and declared it a “potential illegal brewery,” under the 1975 Yitzak Brewery & Distillery Act. 

“First we just need to recreate the brew to officially prove they were illegally making beer,” added Schlemiel. “As it is, we only have dried hops, some wheat seeds, and some holes in the rock. What we’ve got so far tells the story but it won’t add up to a hill of beans in court without a whole court beer taste test. Oh, and some DNA of the culprits would be nice.”

Without crates of bottles the crime scene looks more like a primitive dig site. And for now, the hunt for the booze and the descendants of these canny pre-history brewers continues.

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