Calm Down It's Your Birthday
Listen here. The whole birthday thing has gotten out of hand. Yup, it’s going crazy. And I reckon, for starters, we need to put the brakes on birthday cakes.
Of course you probably like a piece of cake now and then. And back in the day, birthday cakes were a nice tradition. You shoved a bunch of candles in a cream sponge cake or whatever, put a match to them, and the whole tribe and hangers on broke out into an cheery off key version of ‘Happy Birthday’. Nice.
Only now, it’s out of control. Way out of control.
People are buying cakes that cost as much as a couple of colour printers (You know, the ones. They go for 40 bucks but the refills cost 60 each. Bargain.).
Then, there’s the candles. It’s not the $2 special pack of 30 candles anymore. No, now it’s handmade sculpted candles made from naturally dyed beaver’s wax or something. Or, even musical candles.
People are getting lazy! Instead of singing a Acapella, now they need a bloody candle playing a tinny version of ‘Happy Birthday’ so they don’t have to remember how the tune goes.
Won’t be too long before people start chucking out their tacky candles and kick in with full on four part harmonies with violins. Then it’ll be a bloody 54 piece orchestra!
It’s just too much. Not for a birthday. I mean, face it, your Mum was the one who did all the work anyway. Back in the day, she was the one pushing, panting, and breathing. You were just in for the ride. Then for some strange reason, you get the cards, cake, and a serenade and all she got was thousands of dirty nappies! Not fair!
At least, we ought to keep it modest. A bit low key. Maybe stick with a homemade cake or get from the supermarket – one that’s on special because the cream is getting a bit dicey. And recycle the candles. When they’ve all melted on top they taste the same anyway (got to have a bit of wax in your slice of birthday cake or it’s not genuine).
I reckon we ought to give three cheers for your Mum as well. As a tribute to carting you around everywhere and feeding, cleaning, dressing, and burping you, and stuff.
Not that she should be congratulated for licking her tissue and wiping your face with it in public. That’s embarrassing. And the burping thing. How come she was so excited when you first did it over her shoulder (probably vomited too)? Then, when you were 16, she bloody told you off if you burped at the table. Double standards.
So, this birthday business is best kept low profile. Don’t attract too much attention. Keep it a secret just to annoy facebook (they hate it when they don’t get all your details. Mucks up their ads. So you end up getting promos for false teeth and Zimmer frames on your 30th birthday).
My advice: keep it cheap. Save your pennies on the cake and thank your folks for putting up with you all these years.
For your diehard fans, let them sing “Happy Birthday” to you at the kitchen table. But keep it simple. And, if you happen to overindulge, try not to burp at the table or throw up over your Mother’s shoulder. Not nice.