Blame Coffee

Blame Coffee

Don’t know about you but I can’t function without coffee or a strong tea straight up in the morning.

habitual gulping of steaming hot brown stuff is wrecking the place

Strangely, my body can't even function until it’s had a few gulps of caffeinated fluid. Shocking.

Experts say we shouldn’t be drinking so much coffee. Bad for the environment. If you count all the water used, the fossil fuel consumed, and everything else, our habitual gulping of steaming hot brown stuff is wrecking the place.

Doesn’t stop me needing coffee though.

I feel happy once I’ve got half way. That’s when I switch from being a full on zombie unable to focus or think into a formula one racing driver.

Yeah, half a cup is enough. Then I start instructing the pit crew on what time I’ll be coming back in (probably have another coffee then). Then I start careering round the house at high speed, looking for underwear (I’m still in my dressing gown, see) and complaining that one of my socks has got lost (probably ran off with my undies).

That’s what coffee does to you. It also explains why Mormons are off the stuff. Gets you too wild. Too racy.

Does my head in whenever I hear an American refer to coffee as a “cup of Joe” though. Since when have we been drinking people? Very confusing.

It also explains why Mormons are off the stuff.

But it kind of fits. Some Americans refer to the toilet as “John” (like “I’m going to the John”). So, it’s “Joe” when you drink it.  “John” when you’re full up to pussy’s bow and got to pay a visit… to see a man about a dog… to spend a penny. That sort of thing.

Yeah, I’m confused too.

That’s why I drink coffee. Because suddenly it all comes clear to me, sitting in my dressing gown, trying to focus. Just wondering when I’ll re-enter Earth’s atmosphere and re-join the human race.

But now I feel guilty. Drinking all that coffee. Wondering how many cups it will take before I make the planet turn its toes up.  That’s why I limit myself to two cups a day.  Don’t want to cause a crisis. Especially, if that lets me find my socks.



Calm Down It's Your Birthday

Calm Down It's Your Birthday