Driving Bladder About to Blow
You know what I hate? Yep, bloody traffic jams. They drive you nuts.
Especially when you get stuck and you’ve got to go. I mean, you really have to go.
It’s not good. It’s not fun. Your bladder starts telling you, “Hey mate. You’ve got to stop somewhere. Don’t mind where. All right? Just stop.”
But you just keep driving in the stop start traffic. Going to get there soon. Use the toilet then.
“Hey! Weren’t you listening before. I’ve got to go! I’m under pressure here and the kidneys are putting me under pressure. Pull over!”
Sure. Be good to pull over. If only. You’re surrounded by 8 lanes of stationery cars and nobody is going anywhere. This is ridiculous.
Fifteen minutes later, your bladder is getting nasty about it: “Hey you! Are you listening or do you want me to tell them below to let it all flow? You need to stop NOW! Got it? Not in 15. Not 10 or 5… Now!”
This is when your brain conversation is saying, “Oh no. Please let there be a break in the traffic. Please I’ve got to go. Please, please, please!”
About that time you start honking on the horn and people reply by proudly showing you how good their middle finger looks.
Now if carmakers knew their customer, they’d know to fit in a catheter or a console full of empty beer bottles for that kind of calamity. But no. Even the best vehicles offer nothing more than a concealed well in the centre console and some extra cupholders.
Guess they could do in a pinch (especially if your windows were heavily tinted). But it would be awkward, wouldn't it?
In fact, you'd have to be mega desperate. What if achieve the 'straddle' only to have your cup runneth over? And what if you accidentally run up the back of the car in front while you're assuming the correct position? Now, that would hard to explain on the accident report.
Strangely, it always seem to be that the traffic moves forward just in the nick of time as you convince your bladder to 'hang in there.'
I reckon your average bladder is a bit like Mr Scott in the old Star Trek reruns. When Captain Kirk demands more power, engineer Scotty replies, “Capt’n, the reactors won’t hold. We’re up to Warp Factor 13 already. It’s gonna blow any moment now.”
So what be done? First off, planners need to give all freeways a bladder lane. And lots of pull overs with huge signs saying, “Toilet. This is a toilet. You need to stop so you can go”.
Not only will it relieve the pressure you feel in heavy traffic, you’ll also earn a deep admiration for your bladder. That’s got to be a thing, surely.
Bladders want a fair go too, you know. A bit of respect for all the pressure they are subjected to (especially in traffic jams).
To keep it simple, here’s some advice your plucky bladder has for you: If you can’t avoid drinking and driving, at the very least... get tinted windows.