Fat? Nah. Just My Shadow
Got to tell you, I’m over the whole weight loss thing. It gets me down. Then, when I’m down, my knees feel like a rest. So, it's hard getting back up again.
I didn’t even know I was ‘big’ though I guessed something was going on when my belt ran out of buckle holes. I thought my belt was faulty. Shrinking with wear.
But when I put the trash bins out my lazy neighbour across the road yelled out, “Hey fatso! Don’t break a sweat will you?”
Then it hit me. I must be fat. Then I started getting paranoid.
Suddenly, I got super self-conscious. I thought nobody noticed my waddle. Thought it was ‘distinguished. Not ‘sad.
I kept thinking, what if I get stuck in some chair in a waiting room? What if they called the fire brigade to try to get me out? What if they failed? Then I’d have to walk out with the chair still stuck to me. Try to live a normal big life connected to a chair. What about getting dressed and undressed? Putting pants on? And, getting into a car?
Even if I didn’t get stuck, what’s going to happen if I’m rushing to an elevator (lift) and get rejected, because the one person in it looks at me. Then looks at the maximum lift weight. Then sticks an open palm up and shouts, “Yoooo shall not pass!”
Now, I’m going through everything I’m missing out on. No bantamweight boxing. Belly dancing? Hmm… nah. Pole Vaulting? Ballet? Tightrope walking? Gymnastics? Speed skating? Hang gliding? Sigh! It’s all over now. Finished. Done for.
No, it’s okay. Seriously. You go on. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay. Just forget me and go on ahead. You’ll you make it. Just enjoy your life. But, if you ever do find a quiet moment now and then, just remember the good times we had. All those cream cakes, chocolate, and ice cream we used to eat sitting around the campfire… Singing songs like Kum ba ya to the Star Wars theme tune. Those were good times.
But, no. You live your skinny life. Enjoy your lattes with gateaux, tarts, cream puffs, and lumps of lard. Scooping them up and just shoving down them into your mouth. Go ahead! I’ll just sit here. Nobody cares. Decomposing. Feeding the crows. And being at one with the Earth.
Worse than that though, is the whole clothing thing. But don’t even get me started!
It’s degrading when the biggest sizes on the rack are labelled: L, XL, XXL, & OMG!
Maybe I better try one of those diets.
Like the one a friend of mine tried. Called the yo-yo diet. He was going so well until he swallowed it. Think he was ‘double looping’ at the time. Impressing his friends. Next minute he was on the floor choking. Shows yo-yo's are dangerous.
Maybe I’ll try the traffic light diet. Yeah, that's a good one. You can eat as much as you like too. Based on three colours, you take turns eating red, yellow, and green foods. The key is to make sure you only eat near a traffic light. Then when the light changes, you can eat as much of that colour food as you can.
Most people end up chucking it all back up. So there is a sense to it.
Then again, yeah, but maybe no.
Think I’ll just eat less and see what happens. Either that or buy myself a bigger belt.