Helmets On! We're in a Trade War

Helmets On! We're in a Trade War

This is serious. We're in a trade war, and I’m trying to get my head round what it means.

Saw some talking heads on the TV recently, arguing about soya beans and steel.  Trying to decide which one needs protection. I would of thought soya beans need a bit of protection in case the mice eat it all. And, perhaps the steel needs a coat of paint but otherwise she’ll be right.

But apparently it’s not that easy. War is war. War is hell. War is… warwie (Which was my playmate’s name when we were little and I couldn’t say ‘R’. That made it hard at the Doctor’s too. Every time he wanted me to open my mouth he’d insist on me saying that. He couldn’t have worked it out and just said, “Say ‘L’”. Would have been an L of a lot easier.)

That’s trade wars for you. War is L. Trade wars are just a nuisance. Now Americans can’t buy washing machines filled with TV parts. And Chinese can’t get small aircraft crammed with leftover aluminium offcuts. Where is the world going to?

Be easier if heads of countries could just fight it out with tiddlywinks. For every wink (that’s when you manage to flick a small coloured plastic disk into a bowl), they could get a concession. Fair and square.

But no, we have to be subjected to endless loops of talking heads in suits, and people have to be deprived of their livelihoods. Instead of tiddlywinks, we have to endure a he said, she said, they said talkfest, complete with translation.

At this point, it’s probably time to dug out a bomb shelter in your backyard or the local park. Cram it full of soya beans and steel. Chuck in some fruit and nut (I recommend fruit and nut chocolate blocks – may as well enjoy it when you’re sitting there, in your damp hole in the ground, trying to keep warm. Oh, yeah, and make sure you are properly set up for a few pigs and cows. Drive in a couple of cars full of sorghum, and strap a few solar panels on top of them. You’ll be laughing then.

What does this tell us? Yep, either you need a really big shovel and a couple of mates to lend you a hand. Or, this trade war stuff is a load of old codswallop.

Sure, digging homemade bomb shelters in your garden is good for you. You can also save a fortune on gym fees (you’ll be looking like Arnie Schwarzenegger by the time you’ve hit the sewer pipes you didn’t know were there).  Fitness is definitely a good thing. But in times of trade war, who knows if that’s enough.

You might find yourself pretty upset if it’s starts raining while you’re sitting out there in your trade war bomb shelter. Probably boggy. Even worse if you haven’t factored in the cow and pig droppings. Not nice. And they’ll go through your sorghum at a rate of knots too, if you don’t limit the rations.

Pretty soon you could be down to your last soya bean. The fruit and nut chocolate would well and truly and have been consumed on the first two days. And it’s a bit embarrassing, but the fact that you didn’t install a toilet is contributing to the serious drop in air quality, along with the generous contributions from the livestock.

You probably also never factored in Stockholm Syndrome. Yep, Nellie the pig is getting rather fond of you, and it’s not going to end well.

So that’s just some of the problems you get with trade wars. Apart from the boggy, smelly hole in the ground you’ve been living in for the past couple of weeks, workers in affected areas don’t know whether they are Arthur or Martha. And that’s serious!

Bottom line: trade wars are a problem. Still reckon the tiddlywinks battle would be better. Then we all could watch it on TV and enjoy it. There could be a play off. Semi-finals. Best of three?



Hitting on Easter Bunny