Is it Take Out O'Clock Yet?
Takeway, takeout, convenience foot, Imbiss, fast food. Call it whatever you like.
It’s the ruin of us for sure.
For starters, there’s all those yummy ads on TV. Right in the middle of your favourite show comes another ad break with smiling happy families tucking into some poor chicken’s amputated leg battered in crumbs (though they don’t show the 5 hour operation taking off the chicken donor's leg).
Then you see some sort of sauce spurting out of a hamburger while the face of the person pretending to eat it (I say pretend because actors don’t normally act with a mouthful. They pretend to eat. That’s why they pay them. Because they’re actors).
Then, because they’re such good actors, they pretend to be overcome with orgasmic pleasure. If you knew they were faking it, I reckon it would put you off. But by that stage you are too far gone.
Instead, you’re on the couch thinking, “Yeah I could go for one of those spurty things. I might just head out and get one or order home delivery”.
And that’s how it goes. You’re tired. You’re relaxing. Then, suddenly, you want junk food. Actually you didn’t even think that you wanted anything until the ads came on and they shoved some steaming apple pie in your eyes. Next thing you know you turn into a zombie with the munchies. Drawn to the food. “Must have fooood!”
Not that you get the same thing. Because when you go through the menu display you get a bit overwhelmed because by now you're just bloody hungry. So you don’t know what you want. That’s when you try going all rational on the choices.
“How many calories is that? Does that come with fries (chips)? Or, extra cheese? How much is it compared to a meal deal if you take out the pickle?”, and stuff like that.
By then you’re hooked. They’re just reeling you in now. So you order a whole lot of crap that you didn’t even know you wanted back when you were sitting on the couch watching your favourite show.
Of course the pics on ads and the store display look good enough to eat. But when you open the bag and pull out what you just paid for you discover you just bought a melted mess. There’s a soggy flat hamburger that looks depressed. Some fries preserved in enough oil and salt they're in suspended animation. And, you rummage through the rest, searching for the other stuff you got a bit excited about at the checkout and over ordered
Same goes for the pizza, the pasta, and all the rest that the actors went into raptures about in the ad breaks. You’ve got no hope.
Weeks later, without warning, your pants start shrinking on you. Your belt runs out of buckle holes for some reason. Then you look in the mirror and wonder why your New Year’s resolutions went so horribly wrong.
Though your pants are stretching to do it, the takeaway industry has got you covered. They know your stomach bone is connected to your eye bones so you got no hope.
Doesn’t matter how tight your trousers are, when the sight of some triple creamy choc thickshake and a pile of fries arrives it’s like they’re saying, “Come eat us…please!”
Reckon I’ve worked it out though. A way to stop the takeout taking over your stomach thing. Just zap the ads. Look away. Think of something gross like mouldy cheese doing a Mexican wave in your fridge. Or, the last time somebody vomited all over you (Don't you remember?).
Fast food outlets are happy about you turning into a carb-crazed zombie. They only want your money - not to sponsor you to the Olympics.
That's why it's fun to confuse the heck out of them by going up to the counter, handing over some cash and saying, “Right. Here’s my money”. Then just walking out without ordering. Does their head in. Also, mucks up their sales and marketing strategies.
Meantime, watch out. They’re lying all the way through from their back teeth about what’s good for you. Like telling you your family will love eating nuggets. I can tell you now, you bite into a nugget and you’re up for major dental work. No question.
So do what I say and not what I do all right? Fast food is out to get you. You’ve been warned!