Now For Some Man Boobs
Time for a reality check. Yeah, I’m not afraid to admit I have feelings. Yeah. And sometimes they get the better of me. It’s awkward
Like sitting in movies and the heroine dies. Tragic. Then the kids get farmed out for adoption. Makes me get teary. Terrible.
I just tell her between small sobs that it’s just my milk coming down. Trying to make a joke of it.
Then she nods thoughtfully and says, “Yes, you better do something about those man boobs”.
Now, I was going to say that’s a bit below the belt, only I hope they’re not that low.
Besides, it’s hard being a victim of alternative medicine. That’s right, I’m talking about those oils that are falsely advertised as "essential oils." Well, I can tell you that's crap. They aren't essential at all! And I've got the science to back it up.
The laboratory lot in white coats reckon stuff like lavender oil should never touch the skin of a boy or fully-grown bloke. In case it triggers off female hormones or something like that. Seriously. Same with tea tree oil and a few others apparently.
That’s serious! Don’t laugh.
Now picture me wearing a maternity D cup. Still don’t laugh.
There are blokes out there – maybe living in your street – with full on breasts and it’s all down to these oestrogen-mimicking non-essential totally optional oils.
They still call them essential. But I can’t see why they’re essential for anything except an all female Ashram. Otherwise, they're only essential if you want to grow man boobs. Couldn't breastfeed a hummingbird with those. And that would be way too ticklish. Especially with that long tongue they use.
Back in the day men knew intuitively to stay away from that stuff. They sensed that too much tea tree or sniffing of Mum’s perfume bottles was going to do something unexpected. And tell you what, now I know what!