English as it Shood Be
I didn’t start well with English spelling. The deeper I went the more I suffered from the blends.
By six, I remember tipping my reader upside down, trying to work out what “C-herries” could be.
But I’m not alone. People around the world wrestle with English and its stoopid words. It’s not good. Especially when English accidentally ticked the box that made it the World's popular option.
Take these wonderful stuff ups from people who thought they knew better:
- “4% of all Statitsics Contain a Typo”
- “When Bright Kids Can’t Learn: A Guide to Pinpointing Your Child’s Leaning Problems”
- Mr Trump flies on “Air Force Once”
- In May 2017, the US Whitehouse listed one of Mr Trump’s main goals for an Israel visit was to "promote the possibility of lasting peach"
- Portage Community Ed. Center (USA) sign: “Our Teachers Make a Differance”
- Sign to advise: “Quite. Interview In Progress”
- “15 Best Things About Our Pubic Schools”
- “Try a Tasty Cookie Warmed in Owen”
- “Garden for the Visually Impared.”
Proves just how easy it is to muddle up with one letter. Of course, you can stuff up in any language. But English lets you do it so well.
Plus, English has such a mad collection of exceptions. Good luck if you’re trying to learn it. It’s dodgy and weird. And that’s just the easy bits.
According to a book I found called: “Old Mates’ Book Of English”, it started out as a guttural dialect, shared by a bunch of tribes up Holland way.
Old Mate reckons early English was a crude version of German (obviously too much swearing back in the day).
Then, English took a detour and never came back. Instead, it hung around the streets where it started pick-pocketing words from other lingos.
That explains why English is so bloody confusing.
Now add a pinch of Viking. Some Latin and Greek to give it body. Then stir. Blend in some Old French and Bob's your bloody uncle!!
Then, thanks to the skills of old mate Geoff Chaucer, and whatshisname Shakespeare, English started to hitch its skirts up and become a proper language. So now it could proudly steal words from other tongues.
And, thanks to a bloke called Sammy Johnson, English speakers could even correct them... so they could be spelt properly.
Being at a bit of a loose end, old mate Sammy did this by cobbling together the English dictionary. Obviously for a bit of a lark.
All this tells you why English is such a wonderfully messy mumble.
Not that it went unnoticed. After a good while, a guy called Noah Webster in the US decided he wanted to make his own dictionary.
He could see English was a dogs breakfast. So, having enough nous to cover a cracker or two, he decided to make some changes. Just to make it simpler…ish.
He must have sounded bloody convincing. Because the US government of the day reckoned it was brilliant.
Thanks to his little tweaks, English now has American English and English English.
Now we’ve got heaps of differences like: tyre and tire, through and thru, colour and color, metre and meter. Even, neighbour and neighbor.
As if the world needed any more division!
Because we still have words like: knife, would, believe, honest, knead, subtle, and a gazillion others that don't make sense without a history lesson (plus all these other words), it's a mess. This quick little fix just mucked the whole show well and truly up.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for calling a spade a spade. Not a delightfully designed digging implement for hand use only (not suitable for children under 3 because it poses a choking hazard).
But the moment anyone goes faffing around with the lingua bloody Franca, it all goes to the proverbial in a silly little hand basket.
At least, you’d think. Only it doesn’t.
According to Old’s Mate’s Book, English has a trick up its sleeve. Instead of sticking with the program(me), it’s got more twists and turns to it than the plumbing of a Victorian lavatory.
According to Old Mate, “By flexing it’s conventions, and idealising its lay speakers, English users like nothing better than giving their linguistic determinism a jolly jiggle.”
Old Mate justifies this mucking around, by saying we like trying lots of different positions because it's fun. Can't argue with that.
That’s why people like Snoop Dogg and others who also speak another lingo are keeping English growing. Mr Dogg would say it's basically just fo’ shizzle.
And, seeing as the experts ain’t biting, who knows where English is gonna go?