Yep Vacuums Suck
Raise your hand and your hose if you vacuum. Thought so. Have you ever wielded one of those twirling tornadoes in a plastic tank? Or, do you drag one of those barrel thingies round the house?
Thing is, while the ads always say stuff like, “This vac will suck like nobody’s business”. Or, “You better get this one because it’s more exciting than television” (Not much of a promo, is it?). Or, “We’ll throw in a few extra heads when you buy” (Not sure what that means. Maybe they’re shrunken?).
Trouble is, they’re having you on, taking you for a ride, taking the mickey bliss, and spinning a yarn. Vacuum cleaners don’t work and it’s a full on con.
With few exceptions (like the models powerful and loud enough to wake the dead), you’re modern vac is a toy! Shove a hose up its end and apart from making it scream harder, the dust mites just laugh at it.
Connect a couple of arms and attachments and you’d hope you’d be good to go. But no.
Instead, these bits and pieces (you know, the ones that fall out of the cupboard) just make more noise while you’re left shuffling the dust bunnies around. That and ripping the plug out of the socket every 5 minutes because the cord is always too short.
Truth is shocking isn’t it? Yeah. Face it, your carpet is gross. It’s a jungle of dust mites and other crap so bad you don’t want to know.
So when you discover these vacs that look like a cross between a jet fighter and a kitchen blender they get your attention. Who wants to have carpet so disgusting your pets think using it as a toilet is an improvement? Makes sense.
Trouble is, modern vacuum cleaners suck at sucking. They just don’t suck enough! And that sucks.
For all the rubbish on the floor you need something. A proper vac. One strong enough to lift the carpet off the ground and beat it into submission. Something so terrifying the dust mites start screaming and rushing for the door. That’s what you want. Not some silly plastic gizmo that tickles the hairs on weevils’ legs, while pulling up the dust bunnies and blowing them up in the air onto the top shelves of your place (Explains why you always find piles of dust up there, doesn’t it?).
So, unless you want to play around with toy vacs that make dirt circles in your carpet, now is the time. Suck it up and get the noisiest vacuum cleaner you can find that rips the carpet off the floor and body slams every fibre. Only then will you know that you’ve cleaned the crap out of your carpet. Then you can be proud. Even strut around the room like a chook (that’s a chicken), telling people who drop by that they are welcome to have a snack on the floor because it’s that clean.
That’s what true vacuuming is all about.