Funny Quotes and Sayings
Here's to funny quotes and sayings! Ironically, that old expression, "Laugh and the whole world laughs with you…" doesn't apply. More likely, only 50% will laugh, 20% will smile quietly, and the rest? Well they'll merely harrumph at the stupidity of the thing.
Still, I do enjoy sharing funny quotes and sayings. Always have. Well, not always. Back when I was a baby, I was more interested in my mother blowing raspberries on my stomach.
But enough of silly noises and vibrating tummies! Here's a list of funny quotes and sayings you can trot out at parties to make everyone look at you and make you wish you weren't there. Or, attract the wrong kind of people who want to hang around with you so you can be their weird joke guru.
That'd be strange. But then, so are the jokes:
- “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” Casey Stengel
- “My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” Spike Milligan
- “I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.” Norman Wisdom
- “I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” Author unknown
- “When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” Rita Rudner
- “It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.” Arnold Schwarzenegger
- “My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?” Margaret Smith
- “But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.” Peter Kay
- “When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.” Gail Sheehy
- “I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” Stephen Fry
- “My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.” Woody Allen
- Said to his wife, the Queen, after her coronation: “Where did you get the hat?” Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
- “Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.” Rodney Dangerfield
- “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” W.C. Fields
- “When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh.
- “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” Daniel J. Boorstin
- “Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.” Peter Kay
- “My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.” Rodney Dangerfield
- “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'” Tommy Cooper
- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” Steve Martin
- “All men are equal before fish.” Herbert Hoover
- “So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'” Tommy Cooper
- “Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.” Rita Rudner
- “So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."” Peter Kay
- “I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.” Rodney Dangerfield
- “Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?” Spike Milligan