Have You Got a TV?
Call it the TV, telly, television, goggle box, or whatever. It all means the same thing. Because TV is everywhere.
You can be in a mansion or a mud hut and there'll still be a TV tucked in the corner.
Doesn't matter what country or language. And it shows pretty much the same rubbish too. So you don't have to miss out if you travel. Because you'll probably be able to pick up the same stories wherever. Even if you don't understand the language.
But there are a few quirks and surprises.
Like the Asian suspense crime show with the criminal threatening to seriously shoot people with a banana. Or, the live crossovers to thigh-slapping festivals on Bavarian telly. Or, the endless ads on American TV brought to you by someone else in association with whoever, on behalf of whatsisface, a such and such company.
I reckon a couple of such and such's is more than enough. Because there's enough ego in ads to make you want to chuck up your lunch.
Then there's all the sports. Football in 9 varieties. Caber tossing, chess boxing, cheese rolling, extreme ironing, and toe wrestling. Live crossovers to beer crate running (Kastenlauf) races, for example, is back by popular demand. You just have to see it and soon you'll be sitting on the edge of your... beer crate.
Even though most TV isn't worth sitting down for, it's still addictive. For instance, lots of people would would rather watch TV shows they couldn't care less about than wash their hair. That means right now there are millions of greasy-haired people hooked on repeats of The Brady Bunch or Jeopardy. That's bad! And that's why test pattern should come back.
If you don't know what that is, it's basically when the TV stations show a coloured pattern with circles, boxes, and lines to help you fine tune your image. Then they play music in the background. Only hardened viewers stay glued to that. It's like blue light and playing 70's pop over the speakers in public toilets. Keeps the druggies out. And makes everyone else do conga dancing back to the handbasins.
Then again, there were protests when one local station got rid of their test pattern. People demanded it back! Wanted it on for most of the day. Guess they didn't want to miss out.
And you can thank the British inventor, Logie Baird, for television. Not related to Yogi Bear, incidentally - though he sounds like he should have been.
He wanted people to get educated by watching television. Reckon that has happened too. Only, with a different kind of education to the one he pictured back in the 1920s.
Some people say it's mind control. That it numbs the brain and makes us zone out. And I have to agree. Education does that to you. But TV probably isn't brilliant either. Mind you it does stimulate communication:
"Did you see what happened to old mate last night?"
"Yeah. Did. Amazing."
But there's a threat to the TV empire. An attack on the whole TV regime. The Web is taking over.
Like TV, except you can take it with you when you wash your hair. Play it on your phone or laptop. Not quite as convenient carrying your desktop computer into the bathroom. But that's price of progress. Got to buy more. Store it. Keep updating it. Then throw it out to buy more again. Especially waterproof phones for the shower. To keep your hair clean.
That's probably why test pattern still has a following. It's old school. Don't need to update stuff to watch it. And it's really relaxing ("Cha-cha-cha!").
But, have to say, the TV has had its day. The moment the Web gets test pattern, the TV will be on its last legs.
We can wave goodbye to Yogi and Logie and those great days of TV snacks, TV trays, TV dinners, and after show heart attacks (and before you ask, yes that was a thing).
But I'm sure you won't miss much. Because what's coming up next is sure to keep the repeats going on endless loop. That's because it'll still be brought to you by, in association with, under licence for, with the backing of, as a such and such production. You watch.