What Funny Quotes?

What Funny Quotes?

How is it that, when it comes to funny quotes or sayings, some people reel them off? While the rest of us go into sustained silence, struggling to think of anything even vaguely funny.

Well, this should help. If you ever find yourself feeling stuck for funny quotes about life then pick a few from the mix below.

Good luck!

“All you need is love. But a bit of chocolate now and then won’t hurt.” Anon

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”  William Shakespeare

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” Rita Rudner

“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” Jerry Seinfeld

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.” Rodney Dangerfield

“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.”  Brooke Shields

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”  
— Brooke Shields

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. “   Demetri Martin

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”  Woody Allen

“I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”  Jack Benny

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.”  George Burns

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.” Robin Williams

A large nose is the mark of a witty, courteous, affable, generous and liberal man.” Cyrano de Bergerac

“Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?” Elayne Boosler

“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” Robin Williams

“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.” Elayne Boosler

“Witty inspirations are the proverbs of the educated.” Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” Robin Williams

“If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.” Bob Hope

“Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.”  Robert Byrne

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”  Phyllis Diller

“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”  Steven Wright

Remember: find a few funny quotes and try remembering a couple. Even say them to yourself in front of the mirror (What do mean, "That's sad"?!). Then, with expert timing, you too can pull an audience and impress your friends.

A bit

“Do Not Submit Articles Filled With Spelling Errors And Bad Grammar – We Ignore Rubbish”

“Do Not Submit Articles Filled With Spelling Errors And Bad Grammar – We Ignore Rubbish”

Where Do Socks Go?

Where Do Socks Go?